I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
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Help
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
A very blasé attitude by the stoic root vegetable in the face of its imminent death…
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no