Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

ㅤ

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her

Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?

Me: Too late?

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

Cats (2019)

Him: I’ll pay for dinner.

Me: I want to pay.

Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.

Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

very niche meme I made

ok this is my dumbest yet

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before