Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”

Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?

I have obtained a hat

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.