I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
BETRAYAL
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.