I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
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Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Cucumbers Anonymous
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol