I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
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If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]