Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

detective: looks like someone cut the victim open

mortician: that was me

detective: *into wire* we got em

Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?

Donkey: What?

Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty

Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

[office]

JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha

{later}

HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie

JERRY: Bessie?

HR: In accounting

JERRY: Uh…

HR: The dairy cow

JERRY: Oh right, Bessie

HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-

JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.