I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
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When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
This makes total sense…
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
What the hell is going on?
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
i think both sides are to blame here
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
