I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.