I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.
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Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I love the National Park Service.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.