Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*

Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…

Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.

Raisins are grape jerky.

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?

Me: They can’t get in.

6: Why not?

Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.