Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:

-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40

More info soon.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does

Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

ok this is my dumbest yet

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”