I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It do be feeling this way.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.