I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Banking tips
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Remember the first day of school when you’d show up with your pencil case, your rucksack and your Flash Speed Mop?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?