I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
yeah 😭
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.