I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.