I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
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if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect