Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks

Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.