I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
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If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
