I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
translated into Canadian
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
When news reporters do sports stories
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.