Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

In banana years, I am bread.

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie

*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest