I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.