I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Split the bill
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight