Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.

Fight with your family like the rest of us.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Just so funny

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”