I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
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Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Well, this certainly took a turn
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”