I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
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My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
I’d use my best pan on you.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.