Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast

JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

It’s on my to-do list.

“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

we’re dead?

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!

me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.