Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”

[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]

A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.

Time for evil

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*

M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?

#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*