Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT

DOG 911: He still holding it?

DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him

Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Skywritten letters:

SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit

The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore