Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

Okay this one takes it home

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.

I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

Me: Am I in trouble?

Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]

Me: Oh no.

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib