I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
🏙👨🏼
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”