I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no