Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
COP: put ur hands in the air
C: now flip them over
C: now cross them
C: put them behind ur head
C: hey macarena
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
ME: I am SO sorry
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.