I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
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Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.