@Dutch_50

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

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@mommajessiec

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

@Skoogeth

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

@JohnLyonTweets

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

@hippieswordfish

COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena

@Sassafrantz

Started a pillow fight with my boyfriend, but I forgot that’s where I hide my Oreos.

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@cepheusjackson

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

@ericsshadow

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

@goodtimenoel

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.