I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her