I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
You Might Also Like
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.