Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

79.

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

PlayStation: Install update?

Me: what update

PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?

good for her

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you

ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.