Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

I march to the beat of my own dumb

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.

Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend

smartest karate player in the world

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

my friends are so lucky i can’t do a backflip, i would be so fucking annoyinggg

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??

My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?