I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
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when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.