I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
You Might Also Like
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
The USS B port
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
