I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
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My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Uh oh 👀
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh