Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u

My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.

Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult

There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words