I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”