Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.

7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –

me: shut up

PRO TIP:

Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?

A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.

#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes

Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”