I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
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USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Breakfast in bed.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house