I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
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[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
