I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
You Might Also Like
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.