I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
security at the airport getting more straightforward
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?