I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
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Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine