Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Employees must applaud the planets.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

New mindset, who dis?

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

Life: let’s gooo
Road conditions: fuck you

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?