I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
You Might Also Like
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill