Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”

Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?

Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper

got so much cardio in today

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

Not even remotely sorry.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.