Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news

me: what’s the ambiguous news?

doctor: one of us is dying

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

Netflix suggested I watch my kids.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me