I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
You Might Also Like
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or