I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Swedish for common sense.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
This is hilarious….
