I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
bias laundering edition
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.