Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.

I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down

John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!

Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go

Me: Gimme that bread, daddy

Priest: It’s Father

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.

ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*

HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you

ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]