I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”