Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

synchronized noseblowing

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

Give us this day our daily internet validation

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Son: I want a quinceañera.

Me: You can’t have one

Son: Why not?

Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year

*ps: he is also 16*

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”