Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

Pat is about to own someone

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby