Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

*composes email*

*proofreads*

*hovers mouse over send button*

*proofreads again*

*is about to send*

*proofreads a third time*

*gets glass of water*

*proofreads once more*

*finally sends email*

*re-reads email just for good measure*

OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO

It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

me: let’s get some gorilla glue

horse: oh thank god

Me when I hear gossip

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

A career website for plumbers called sinkedin

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.