I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.