I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
me, too, girl. me, too.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄