Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]

me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!