Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

I really had high hopes for this year though

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”

Okey dokey.

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Me: Please take my kids for a little bit

School: lol snow

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.

Me: I told him he would look good in it.

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.