Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the National Park Service.

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill

“911, how may I help you?”

“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”

“Sir, this is for emergen–”

“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.