I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
beware of dog
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.