Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances

Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”

Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”

My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.