Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper

I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.

[first date]

HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-

ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU

I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to

I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

“are u okay??” No it’s literally Monday every 15 minutes

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying*

*By a massive crocodile

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?

ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.