“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.