Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish

Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’

‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-

*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*

-was jumping in.’

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows

*gingerly taps banana*

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

date: this is so romantic

me: just the two of us

date: and the stars

me: and the moon

the moon: *winks at my date*

me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon