“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.