Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

It’s complicated.

-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.

“I’ve recently come into some money.”

*winks and hands over the few dollars I made at my garage sale to the bank teller to deposit into my account*

half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

wishing you and yours all the best

I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

We all have our pet causes.

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth