Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*

prison guard: ok you’re free to go

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.