Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

Not how I expected him to come back but okay.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

HIP-STAR WARS:

Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper