Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.

I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

Them: I know you mean well –

Me: I absolutely do not

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick

Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.

Weighing up my bread heating options

Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

[text from wife]
I want a divorce

Me: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!!

[…typing]
Haha, April fools

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.