“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…