Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!

Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]

I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?

Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

5: Whose car is this?

Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?

5: Mine.

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.