Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

me:

british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol

Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.

Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.

Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.

Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there

Me: ok got it

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.