I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Its a hippotatomus
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.