I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
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My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!